USDA announces revised food groups for adjunct faculty


by Karen Rooothaan

USDA has announced revised food groups for adjunct faculty, and expects reduced health claims as a result.

The USDA announced on Thursday a new revised set of food groups, specially tailored to the nutritional needs of adjunct faculty. “BORP” is the acronym for “Beans, Oatmeal, Ramen, and Potatoes” which are the new recommended foods for adjunct faculty.

“Our figures show these foods will best support the nutritional needs of adjuncts, who usually do not have much office space so therefore must lug heavy bags filled with books and papers, often during long rides on public transportation. Waiting in the cold and carrying heavy loads increase the need for carbohydrates, which are fortunately cheap, given current compensation structures for contingent faculty,” according to the new Department Secretary, Benjamin Fillemup.

The new recommendations have drawn fire from certain advocacy groups because they do not include foods often seen as necessities such as dairy, eggs, meat, fruits, or green vegetables. Fillemup pointed out that many adjunct faculty attend trainings where they are fed food from these groups, often twice in a sixteen week semester. “Compared to what is often fed to reference control groups, such as prisoners of war and refugees, the recommended diets are more than adequate.”

Concerns about the diet on the health of an aging population are also, according to Fillemup, completely unfounded. “This diet will support adequate faculty function up to the age of 65. After that, continued longevity would represent an undue burden on taxpayers.”

L.A.F.F. head assistant loser flunkey with intent to teach (halfwitt) Karen Roothaan, when reached for comment, was unavailable. She is working on a new cookbook featuring the recommended foods, and plans to expand her existing vegetable patch this spring.


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